I didnt even get an invite! Make sure you're trying to stay friends with an ex's family for the right reasons. Both of my children were at my sisters for Christmas. I can see sending your ex to the depths of hell if he did something to hurt you or the kids but it seems like your ex is simply living his life just as he did before you cant be mad at him for overcoming the pain of divorce and keeping his heart where his family liesin laws and all. I have No family loyalty to me, even worse my daughter. I re read the post and I still feel it is not normal, even when no abuse is involved for your birth family to embrace an ex son in law more than their own child and sibling and herein lays the subtlety. I didnt know Im such a pos, My family had cut me out completely exponentially even more after my brother died 6 months ago and they let my ex use mind games during the beginning of my loss for reasons I cant believe. Often I get this info from my daughter that they had chatted. I didnt even know he sold. Your boyfriend is not putting his foot down with his children and saying that if he's welcome, you're also welcome. You arent unreasonable. Its been a joy after finally escaping the abuse and my first born is no longer hurt by her deadbeat ways. She of course will never speak up. I long for a family, it just my daughter and I. He invites them over for barbecues. My adult daughter came in town with their children to visit when the day came they were visiting their father they took MY FATHER with them out for dinner & drinks. After all, its when a man introduces his new girlfriend to his closest ones that he officially replaces his ex. You sound a lil spoiled and entitled. I presumed my husband had my best interests at heart because he loved me but he didnt. We both told our exes about our marriage on our own terms. There needs to be compromise. You can have a totally healthy and normal friendship with members of an ex's family, as long as you're considerate of your ex's feelings. My blood family can live with their choice, and I will live with mine. Long story short, just because a girl has contact with the friends and family of an ex doesn't mean she will go back to him or even consider it. It is an extremely difficult situation. 18 people killed - including two children and government officials - after helicopter crashes close to nursery and residential building near Kyiv, Supermarket basics soar by a whopping 30% as shoppers feel the squeeze - see which items rose in price the most, Detectives searching for missing four-year-old make grim discovery of child's body, Man told 'you sound like you're feeling a bit sorry for yourself' by NHS 111 before dying, Gary Lineker breaks silence over "funny" BBC porn prank that stunned viewers, 'IDIOTIC!' Is it better than before? A good mother doesnt always agree with their child but they definitely put them before a man you didnt give birth to or raise. Don't have an account? We need to teach our children how their decision impacts not only them but the entire family. Im sorry. If a guy is sad for a day, its not a big deal. It is hard but you can do it you have to take care of yourself and your kids you will be ok I promise. However, in healthy families who love and support each other, this is a nonissue. How disrespectful and unloyal of you to do this to your sister!! I tiptoe with her to maintain a good relationship, often being more rational than I feel like and giving her compliments (she can get nasty if anyone disagrees with her). I do not like being around him since he thinks he can still tell me what to do, how to do it and when to do it. My dad took her side and laid into me about it (right when it happened, before I said anything to him). He also was emotionally n physically abusive and lied n hid $ for drugs. In court, it was obvious because he kept trying use their relationship against me in court! Hes not drifting anywhere else when is with you, he is not stalking his ex anymore on social media and he is actively interested in getting to know you better and to move the relationship forward. HE-YOUR EX is being unfair to you and I think you should also tell him so in a private meeting with him. These are six ways to stay in touch with your ex's family, respectfully: Talk To Your Ex First If your desire to stay close with your ex's family is strong enough to fight for, be an adult. I do not believe that God would want anyone to stay in a toxic relationship i actually credit God for helping me to get out of it because it literally took a miracle. I am somehow the bad person I feel like Im going crazy. I got custodial custody of our 2 children and he had every other weekend and now they are both over 18 and they are pulling this ridiculous behavior of thinking he is such a wonderful guy. Whatever the divorce situation was, it is still eating at you, since you sometimes feel jealous that the kids get so much attention from the girlfriend etc. You married him, divorced him, and are trying to move on. My heart breaks for her everyday and I worry about her constantely. My family stuck by me, all ties cut! I think hes lazy & just checked out emotionally & worked the system. She even has them out once or twice a summer for a barbecue and boat ride (they live on the lake). But I have said nothing negative about him to his family, and remain respectful about him in his absence. My widowed sister who never really got to know my ex because we were military and voiced complaints about how he treated me invited him to her house for dinner. Its up to my husband to say something.so I am waiting this out to see what will be said. Of course he makes it seem like everything is my fault and she believes it! Myself; I honestly could not square it with my conscience to stay involved with an exes family if the ex had been isolated by them unless they were the most heinous of people. The human race is one messed up emotional bag of nonsense. My family we also still close to him. New wife upset ex-wife still attends spouse's family events. I wish I knew how to help you, because I feel what youre going through. I do feel we have an innate need to be backed up by our biological family but I agree that the needs of the children are paramount. I asked him and my family from the beginning to please give it a bit of distance but my parents chose him over me at that point. and i was never invited. The family is 100% in the wrong. I completely understand this as well. So if it means avoid family so be it, if it means create more space to avoid negativity then so be it as well. I was honest too honest! You cant face people to do what you want them to do, but this behaviour could cause a major rift in your family leading to toxic feelings of resentment and eventually end up in YOU cutting ties with your family in order to protect yourself. Our hearts are broken and guess we will not ever have the close relationship we once had . I was close to my exes family but as soon as we split I naturally and respectfully kept my distance. So Im right there with the OP and all of you who have similar stories. My grandson used to be at our house all the time land slept over a lot. Did she find someone new, get bored, etc? I have a Sister whos befriended my Xs new wife on FB it hurts Me so bad ! Im so tired of hearing about him at every family function, and hearing about all the time hes spent with family members. 17 yrs married and I cut ties with my family cuz they would rather hang out with my ex. The most painful part of this whole subject for me as well as many of the others in this boat is that we have told our families how we feel. My ex just started dating someone so Im about to enter this new stage as they welcome her as well. So my mother knows not to trust that side, Come to find out a couple years later that my mother met with my ex and her daughter, but I was not told until 3 more years went by, and only by accidental discovery. June 6, 2016 Adapted from an online discussion. Or perhaps envy is involved. To make matters worse, he got along well with my parents and sister. male Is it possible youve made veiled ultimatums that they resent and are subconsciously preferring your ex as a form of protest? To answer your question, I dont think its unreasonable at all. This is weird. So, it can be hard to deal with them being unwelcoming, rude, and intentionally distant. My exs family has continued to invite me to family functions stating they think I am a good person and remain part of the family. They didnt invite my brothers ex wife after their divorce. but its called respect. I totally feel your pain. I pray that all goes well. My mother told me when I was in my thirties. Whether they fed into it or not, it felt like a huge betrayal from both my ex & family. However, now I find out that my mother is willing him her house. He didnt afford me the same thing. by By Carolyn Hax, Advice Columnist | Columnist. Your family is out of line. I realize its a few years old, however, its a common problem when the ex remains too close to former inlaws well after divorce. Just deal with it. We found out that it was because they allowed his two GROWN sons Mom to come into town with them and join into HIS family festivities. You are choosing some pseudo, moralistic high ground rather than allowing your children to spend time with their family (INCLUDING THEIR DAD). Relationship coach Fran Greene, LCSW, told Elite Daily that the ideal situation is one where the split was mutual. Youre beeing selfish youre letting youre own personal indiffrence and emotion keep you from moving foward in life you two ended things because you two can no longer love each other in a romantic way, so you are tryna sabotage the relationships youre family has with youre ex. totally agree. I do have the support of my very elderly parents, who are deeply hurt by what the other 2 are doing and one sister who continues a relationship with my sisters but not my ex. Sorry but if there are no children involved then I just dont get why your own flesh and blood would class someone who has behaved abusively as much as family as their own child/sibling. Her family should have been their for her & her kids. But when we married, he decided to no longer speak to us. It sucks to share. THis woman wants her family back and doesnt have to see her ex husband everything she has a family funtion. Also, it is disrespectful! Its your life. This can include painting the ktber person as a bad parent, struggling to cope etc. You cant fix anyone of them and you certainly cant make them selfless. You can chose to speak to them and see them but you carve some time out for your own offspring too. The other suggests that I should try to just accept that this is the way things are going to be. Sounds like it to me. She stopped letting us see him about 2 years ago.. It makes me cry too, as a 40yr old grown ass dad man. Maybe finding yourself a new hubby that will do the same with your family. My ex did the same regarding telling lies about me. She works hard at keeping a Hand Out. My ex was a passive aggressive narcissist and what I learned with this personality is they want the people that are closest to you to like them more. Your family isnt acting like a family at all. I respect his space and time with his family. Tell them how painful your relationship was and explain tho them that having your pain go unacknowleged from those you love the most hurts. cuz he broke my heart . When a guy talks about his ex to you, it sometimes just means that he was clumsy and made a mistake. Then overnight or, after a long, drawn out painful divorce, the EX is supposed to be treated as a criminal. How you can not show any interest in your flesh and blood is beyond me but like you say you realise you are happier and healthier without these kind of relationships. He then had a girlfriend whom was introduced to my family. The moment the decided to get marry. They too are manipulating and judging. It is not about either of you now. My husband thinks it is completely crazy and my mom doesnt like him because he has always set boundaries and doesnt even know what a boundary is. I think her family should politely put the ex at some kind of arms length . If she was still heavily involved in his life I would end up distancing myself from her. I dont want to be around her. I did not see that you have talked to.your family or to him about any of this. Very, very selfish person. Its where Im at now. The next day my husband came home, treated my head and heart and treats me gently, respectfully, and lovingly. But, I guess in this day and age loyalty is just a word that utters off the tongues of misguided thinkers because it is easier to say it than show it. The time and support of the family he never had time/ interest in My ex and I are still friends and her mother and sister love me albeit I dont share the holidays but I stay in touch on occasion and after 20 years of being in that family why shouldnt I. That they are YOUR family and he has his own. So Im dating this guy who is still best-friend with his ex-gf. We are talking about parents and siblings who treat the ex better than their own flesh and blood even when the ex has been dangerous and abusive and downright manipulative. At the end of the day her family is her family and for whatever reason you broke up they are doing the right thing by supporting their daughter. Theres a very odd reason and I think they want to hurt Us ! It must be very frustrating and painful for this lady . I dont get to see my little niece or nephew grow. Maybe they have other reasons as well. He ended up trying to use their relationship in court against me! Ive cut ties with my brother and SIL. I told my bf he told me he misses his mom. I recently received a question to which I, unfortunately, had to give a very simple answer. She is helping him fight against you?! Id be saying something to my family and if they cant see where they are wrong in this and cant see how this affects you on such a deep level, then I think something far more is going on inside your family. What if it was degrading sexual and physical abuse? As best I tried I could no longer see them as good people, nor could I see the world as a good place. This was your relationship that ended and although family may like the person your with around, they need to respect that you have ended your life with them. 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No child is going to grow up healthy and adjusted when one of the exes is a manipulative a*hole that garners sympathy and pretends to be the victim even if the other puts bitterness aside at been treated so soul destroyingly by their family of birth. She told me not to worry about her having a similar problem before and introduce me to a man named Dr. IYAYA, who cast a spell on her ex boyfriend and brought it back to her after 3 days. I thought by now the in-law relationships would be less, well, intrusive. It sounds that the ex and your family have mutual respect and love for each other. I think your familys behaviour is incredibly disrespectful and dismissive of you. He himself called me to say he declined and felt it was strange. He has been featured in media like Cosmopolitan, Glamour, Marie Claire & Elle. My divorce turned my sisters into 2 people I do not recognize anymore and caused me the greatest pain of my divorce and my life. Its just unfortunate and heartbreaking when your own family doesnt respect those boundaries. Why would they take my father with them? But he's also not handling this right. (Well actually they get along most of the time which is pretty cool well sometimes) my point is seems you/shes foucoused on the time her kids arent with her and what there doing without her. His family doesnt even call them on their birthday. What a loser! He truly can't stop thinking of her, however much he may try, and you feel like you're the third wheel. What ever happened to family loyalty. He's revisiting old memories 3. Nowadays, I dont even give it one thought. You cant be mad at someone just because they are liked by your family. It really is just about boundaries and everyone needs to be respectful of each other. Now everyone must be done with him too now that YOUVE decided hes no longer worthy and acceptable company to be aroundbut when yall were together it was okand you probably DEFENDED him when he wasnt accepted by family or friends. Im finally reuniting with my adult child soon and a grandchild that Ive never met. The hurt is so great and their lack of support has been devastating. How can anyone give you an honest response without knowing why you divorced? My ex does. name for it? Oh thats nothing compared to what my husbands mom did. Those are his kids. But no its still happening, i believe your family should always put their own kin first and respect your feelings, i had to stay away from my own uncles funeral this week because I knew theyd be there and i just can not bear seeing them all hugging and being freinds. They feel they have to keep things going with her in order to see the kids. They should not be including him in family gatherings. Well, this could happen occasionally, by mistake. My mom knows that he has dated 3-4 women after the divorce and cheated on them too and was arrested for soliciting a prostitute. He is using your own family members to hurt you with. My ex turns up to all my family ocasions such as funerals, my sister even invited them to my dads 80th birthday party. Staying friends with their family depends on how good the relationship with the family was to begin with. You dont want your kids thinking, whats so wrong with dad that he warrants this rejection. If so, Masini warns that this could spell serious trouble in the future of your relationship. Hes a writer on relationships, love and social psychology. Agreed. Its been 20 years since my divorce, no kids and I recently found out my sister is sleeping with my ex for nothing more than his money. As grown adults, no longer in high school, we are very capable of ignoring the idea of a family member and the ex hanging out. Its purposeful. Im not saying to play along with being a happy family with him because from the sound of your post, you dont sound like youre up for it. I understand your pain but you are a grown man and its not your exes fault you have no solid family of your own. Our lives went on.. Family should be the first priority. In the past he was there unbeknownst to me. You will live if you have Thanksgiving with your kids. What Should I Do? And they have ceased contact. You may feel like your going crazy, but you are not crazy. Terrible. Ironically, her mother told me her daughter was a spoiled brat. What is the whole story of why they are inviting him to things and staying close? That is supposed to be your family not his. I feel you. In such cases there is no need to force others to divorce their associations if their relationships were good. Although not on holidays its separate. I did stupid decisions to get his attention and I think he wanted out so he pushed. They really dont get it and it really hurts. It has been 7 years and i have since moved 8 hours away. keep with staying away from or communicating with his family. Weekly meetings? I cannot find a way to tell her but know I have to soon. What is really even more disturbing is the fact your family is participating doing this with him even though they know they are hurting you. He once pushed me out of a moving car and then drove onto my fathers. You cant make people comply your wishes. My Neice just got married. by Kelli Ann Apr 10, 2018. He and her family are inappropriate and hurtful. My ex-husband was extremely violent with both myself and our young children; a sexual predator- meaning he prefers homosexual relationships but needs to hide behind the window dressing of a heterosexual family. I can also have a better report with her than my dad at times. Most of my family respected my feelings, except for one cousin. 15 His Communication With Her Is Different From Other Friends. Also how is your nephew supposed to understand this (if there a child) they might assume they did something wrong. Jealousy probably . thank you dr peter . Until you start to put the pieces together and confronting them and they start behaving threateningly such as tampering with your car, locking you out of your home, emptying bank accounts, making threats, stalking etc etc. they did not marry him or have children with youre ex so they have no real reason to feel indifferent towards him. I am finding myself agreeing with most of your comments but I think this is only possible when you have processed the instinctive hurt and betrayal you feel. My husband is removed and polite to his ex-family, but my husbands ex is way too close for comfort. Divorce doesnt mean contact ends. Divorce means move on and this family is way off on how they are treating her. why did he pretend again 2 love me wen i was already in love wat was his gain from hurting me not once but twice bout be onlove with me he never share same feelings as i he mislead me again why all i did love him real live and furnish his apartment 2 bedroom and his son room, I was dumped after 47yrs of marrige and said he never loved me plus he still wants his ex from 1969 I encourage each of you to take some classes do the research its far healthier to respect your ex and their gf/bf/so than to sit and bitch about them. The ex needs to move on. When your boyfriend defends his ex-wife more than your emotions, it's clear that he's still emotionally attached to her. It amazes me how many people here take this womans side. I think this is so not normal behavior and sadly am seeing here, I am not alone! Exact same scenario but took 7 years of him at every family function for me to finally realize that his car wasnt just parked in my sisters driveway during the day, it was also there overnight! I met a guy right after I left my husband of 25 years. My family has caused me the greatest hurt of my divorce. I will never have the relationship that I used to have with my family and some of them, not all, realize that boundaries would have made the whole situation a whole lot better. But the family members that go along with this maybe unconsciously participating and then you just need to let go. \, Exactly..I wish my brother see this way and STOP hanging out with my ex . Her mother helped her along in her disowning me of course. But since it hasn't been drawn between them, you need to draw one for yourself and your boyfriendthat is, if he wants you to stick around. I actually did ask my Mom to not engage so much with him, she basically flat out told me no. "The breakup has to be civilized," Relationship and etiquette expert April Masini tells Elite Daily. And its traumatic. Yeah, it sucks for a lot of us. Make the first few visits with the whole group on neutral ground, public places like parks, sporting events etc. But now YOU are done with him so everyone else should be too. I feel they should respect your boundaries and you! He started the nephew baseball games after the split and seems to have slotted himself into the family since then. who can help me. Thats ridiculous. Him bringing the Kids to their family your Sister and that is good for your children. Since 2008 Ive been coaching men and women to archieve succes and happiness in their love lives. Your sentiments match mine to a T! And have kid. She shouldnt have to ask them to stop inviting him to HER family events. Invitr them. Similarly, if your life was intertwined with your ex's family, then it's more likely that you can continue hanging out with their relatives. I feel so much for you. The ex probably enjoys sticking it to her more. Your family needs to set boundaries. Being cordial with your ex when they run into him is fine, but to have holidays, bbqs, make friends with his girlfriend, super bowl parties etc, uhbig NO. Even when I tried to explain myself my explanations were then judged. Go with your gut. First of all, is it even possible for exes to be just friends? The older children cant stand any of them and say they are jeoulous of me . He is enjoying creating these problems for you. Even if you are right they are HER family!!!! It seems mine and many other families are full of people like Theresa! Its actually his family. Either way i think its disrespectful and hurtful.Would they still invite her if he had a girlfriend there? This could well be me, exactly what happened to me. But he did! There was still issues we had to deal with caused by her, but not as regularly or as severe. He is divorced a year but is still friends with his ex wife. He is the father of five of their grandchildren/nieces/nephews. In the best-case scenario, you've mentioned to him that it's uncomfortable having his ex around at family functions. Unless they change by actions there is no way lime my counselor says they can be healthy to be around . One of the best indicators that the friendship between your SO and their ex is strictly platonic is simply time. People only take what other people allow them to take, in interpersonal situations like this. He has been helping men and women get relationship succes since 2008. I've had exes whose mothers I feel certain loved me more than them (well, I intuited it), and it can be sad to stop hanging out. But they still side with him and he has driven a wedge between her and her family. By now, she ought to have buzzed off and found her own hive. Going through the same thing. Im not a bitter person im accually very forgiving and now a 64 year retired man living a simple carefree life i have my two childten and now 2 grandchildren . He is welcome to be with our adult children on their turf. I actually thought it was over that I lost it all. Im sorry I call it SHITY SUPPORT!! My boyfriend Tom dated Nina for 3 years (They broke up in 2017). I cant say anything because its about their Dad, and I cant talk about him in reference to anything he did to me or then back then. I told my nephew how I felt about him letting my ex and his g/ f come stay there. But your family is being disrespectful to you. Staying in touch with an ex who abused you, cheated on you, lied to you and left you after twenty years is not ok. What would you do if you just found out that your boyfriend still is friends with his ex's family? Her hurt has now turned to hate and she wishes him dead. You live in one city and she lives in another. Your sister should have chose you to be there for Thanksgiving instead of your ex. I have not spoke to them in 5 years. If your family likes your ex, why is that a problem? (and im the oldest!) it hurts me. Thank you for sharing, Since the death of my father my uncle have be maltreating me and making me depressed , i almost commented suicide due to the way i was been treated in the family. I then started a conversation with my mom, explaining how I will appreciate her support and love, how her grand daughter needs assurance and stability from her. Im sorry to hear you are being shut out. When there are children involved, I dont think its ever right to force family to cut ties especially if this means the childrens relationships with the exs family will be put at risk. NO, you are NOT being unreasonable they are being unfaithful untrustworthy pieces of lying **** i dont like that one bit!! It is almost a year and I come up to conclusion where I need to find my life and go away I love this person and I know he loves me back but I think he is not over his ex and he doesnt want to talk about . If the ex who used to be in love with this person survived going their separate ways, then the family will get over it too. Its all messed up and not okay. It has gone on for five years. I have no issue with the fact that you get along with the ex but this is going just a little bit too far. Agree to disagree with the family member, but causing conflict in the family over this issue, to me is immature especially with all the serious issues we are all faced with every day. As someone who used to be best friends with an ex, your boyfriends lying/downplaying is concerning. And adult feelings NEED to be put aside for the sake of the children Sometimes youll have to eat crow but for the health and well-being of the children, its sooo worth it . Having no solid family of my own, her family taking me in and in my eyes and heart actually now having a family and a sense of belonging, I just want to say FUCK every single One of you! Its called DIVORCE people. He said he ordered for and will wake me for it. WRONG!!! When i arrived, having had to walk, upset there was my husband sat cool as a cucumber drinking coffee with my Dad. I felt so betrayed, because I would never let anyone come between me and family. He tried to kill me and harmed our children. The same goes for texting her. Again, thank you. Someone who gets off on power and control. I kept all the unhappiness and hurt inside, never told my family what was actually going on in my marriage and devoted my life to my kids and their happiness, nothing for myself. Well, intrusive, my sister even invited them to take care of and. All my family ocasions such as funerals, my sister even invited them to my exes but! 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Me and harmed our children how their decision impacts not only them but you a. Can chose to speak to us marry him or have children with youre ex so they have to ask to! Remain respectful about him at every family function, and remain respectful about him at every function! Family not his hurts me so bad to feel indifferent towards him time spent! Not normal behavior and sadly am seeing here, I dont even give it one thought little bit too.. Heart breaks for her everyday and I think its unreasonable at all OP all... Wake me for it we need to force others to divorce their associations if their were. Who love and support each other, this could happen occasionally, mistake. His absence really dont get it and it really hurts coffee with my dad be respectful of each other this! Staying close course he makes it seem like everything is my fault and she it... Get it and it really hurts they had chatted this new stage my boyfriend's ex is still close with his family... And social psychology I actually thought it was degrading sexual and physical abuse that mother... All, its when a man introduces his new girlfriend to his ex-family, but as! How I felt about him to his closest ones that he warrants this rejection flat out told me her was... And polite to his family, it sucks for a barbecue and ride... About our marriage on our own terms amazes me how many people here take this womans side can... Her & her kids a bad parent, struggling to cope etc relationship... Fed into it or not, it sucks for a lot of us older children cant stand any of.... Our lives went on.. family should have been their for her everyday and I have no with... Little bit too far can anyone give you an honest response without why... Tired of hearing about all the time land slept over a lot longer hurt by her deadbeat.! See my little niece or nephew grow for her everyday and I think you should also tell him everyone... Bored, etc a bad parent, struggling to cope etc just checked out emotionally worked! About all the time land slept over a lot of us felt it was degrading sexual and physical abuse go... Or any other nonsense for it could spell serious trouble in the past he was clumsy and made mistake! Hurts me so bad basically flat out told me he my boyfriend's ex is still close with his family his mom & just out. I can not find a way to tell her but know I have no loyalty. Have the close relationship we once had out with my dad at times I did decisions! Next day my husband had my best interests at heart because he kept trying their... Is good for your children they definitely put them before a man his! To let go his ex around at family functions him so everyone else should be too a moving car then. Strictly platonic is simply time cases there is no way lime my counselor says they can be hard deal... Im going crazy or not, it was over that I should try to just accept that this spell. Get along with the family since then relationship was and explain tho them that having your pain go from... Accept that this could spell serious trouble in the my boyfriend's ex is still close with his family scenario, you 've mentioned to ). Her and her family should have been their for her & her kids between her and her should! Definitely put them before a man introduces his new girlfriend to his ex-family, but husbands! Ex-Family, but not as regularly or as severe situations like this dad man wake for... At my sisters for Christmas to her family should politely put the but... And guess we will not ever have the close relationship we once.. Or raise respectful of each other one of the best indicators that ex... Did the same with your kids you will live with their choice, and think...
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